Just shut up and listen

I'm actually going to talk about something deep today. This might be filled with spelling mistakes and stuff, coss I don't have spell check. And I'm too lazy to find a good one online. Before the heavy stuff, I feel I must push my other sites:
http://littlemethany.tumblr.com
http://formspring.me/littlemethany
http://www.twitter.com/little_methany

Well, that's all of 'em. That I want you to have, anyway.
So, now, you can shut up and listen. This is kind of inspired by Becca's small blog on http://omgitsbeccamcfly.tumblr.com/ She's such an amazing young woman. And I'm sorry if that's patronizing, Becca, but you're so much more grown up than a kid. So I don't mean it to be patronizing, I mean it to be a compliment. She (or if you're reading this, Becca, then YOU) are so brave, to admit her/your problems. And I really love her/you for that.

Like Becca, I am someone who is a self-harmer. Not proudly, but I am. I'm also Bipolar (Manic Depressive, as it's also known.) Which, is basically where I have no control over my emotions; I can go from being euphorically happy to crying and depressed with no reasoning whatsoever. I have it under control, kinda, but due to my parents both having suffered with mental depression, I'm kind of a case to keep an eye on. That's not nice, actually. Being considered a 'case'. Even though that was my own wording. We're all people, all with problems. No one's a case. Everyone's important.

But sometimes, I forget how important I am. And sometimes, I feel so much on the inside that I can't control; That I have to create feelings on the outside that I can control. And how do you make something controllable? You do it yourself. To yourself. Until the feelings inside are less than the ones outside. Or the ones outside are just taking your mind off everything inside.

Ah, yes, I'm also slightly schitzophrenic (If you've read my profile, you'll know that anyway). Which sometimes means that the things I do are done to stop me from being me. That makes no sense, I know. Don't worry, I still haven't figured it all out yet. I don't think I ever will. But that isn't always a bad thing. Or is it?

Let me put it this way, so you can make your mind up whether self-harming is as bad as it seems: When I pick up a blade, a pin, whatever, and make myself bleed a little bit, the voice inside my head stops screaming. And the desire to kill myself is shushed a little. Not a lot of people know, but most of the time I think about ways to kill myself. Like, I see a car going fast and think "If I jump out right now, that'll be it, no more Meffy." Or I see rope on a tree from some kids making a swing and my mind goes "You might crap yourself, but it'll be fast. 'Snap', and no more you."

Yeah, scary, isn't it? Well, not really. Sooner or later you get used to your brain thinking in ways to kill yourself. Some people would say that once you percieve thoughts like that as normal, you've gone insane. But surely it's better to accept yourself, and your thoughts, than constantly live in fear of the two?

And what if I am insane? What if everything that's happened in my life so far has led to my insanity? My self-harm? My everything else? If none of my past had happened, I wouldn't be where I was. I might not be bipolar, or schitz, or scarred. But I might also not be part of a wonderful group of friends. I might also not be so accepting of who I am. I might also not be living the amazing life I have right now.

Should I be ashamed, or angry, about my past? No. Or, maybe you think I should. But that doesn't matter, not what you think. Because if there's one thing I learnt; Life's too short to not be happy.